I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
you went up to him and asked if you could have "friend sex." He looked like a 7 year old on christmas morning
Then we managed to set a grill and all 24lbs of meat on it on fire. I didn't help because I was filled with alcohol and extra flammable.
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I knew his night was already over when he started marking lines on the bottle and setting goals
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
Well good for him for getting your number before he told you he had no money and needed you to pay for his drink!
Sunrise bitch. You owe me waffles
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You could become Eskimo brothers with my dad. How can you pass that up? You pussy.
Dear god. Please. Please do NOT deprive yourself of dick for 90 days. Blood will spill. Wolverines will howl. I can't handle that kind of terror.
I would definitely ride that dick into the sunset if nuggets are involved
Such a big mess for such a small penis
Just imagine a dick squawking like a parrot
You and I both know it takes more than prescription narcotics to keep our family down. See you around ten, brother.
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