I just fucked 3 marines at the same time...how did you celebrate veterans day?
just woke up to two already rolled blunts and a full explanation of what happened last night. I love my gf
fyi gin and iced coffee...not my greatest invention
the homeless guy was waiting for me this morning. this is the closest to a boyfriend ive had in years.
I broke down outside of an all boys correctional facility
well if that's not a gay porn waiting to happen, i dont know what is...
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
does the cute hipster in the kitchen belong to you?
if not i want to bang those glasses off his face
Glow Paint looked great for the Black Light Party last night, Tonight having a glow in the dark Pizza on my arm, not so much.
Surprise court date day!!! Wake the fuck up!
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
You said if the geese can walk on the lake so can I.
My father has a definite type: blonde, busty, 18-22. It was awkward when I was in college, but now I'm over it. I play wingman for him and he buys me expensive purses for the assistance in getting him hooked up with girls younger than me. Win-win.
I find nice boys who are in extremely long term relationships with nice girls, wait for them to break up, and sneak in for the rebound fucking.
You are like a terrifying jaguar of sex. Predatory.
i was so blazed last night that i kept imagining a talking eagle sitting next to me encouraging me to smoke more... i listened to it.
Just flash them and yell "JUDGE THESE BITCHES"
Randomize
