she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
he wanted to have sex on the little rocking chair but i was too high to figure out how to do that so we did it on the floor.
Getting 10 cents back for every can is really just encouraging alcoholism.
She came over and gave me a handy and then just lingered for a day and a half. Worst weekend ever.
So on how many levels of wrong is it that I'm reconsidering my divorce simply because I don't want to go through getting used to shitting around someone again.
I feel like everything I touch in this bar I'm gonna get hepatitis. my kinda joint
oh no, don't get me wrong.. she IS really pretty. If you are in to horses or Sarah Jessica Parker.
I'm gonna give the beer pong table a viking pyre funeral at the bon fire.
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
Im just confused who has their mom break up with someone
I don't know if the puke on my pants is mine or not
I think I pulled a boob muscle during phone sex
fuck you
also please return my underwear, they were one of my favourite pairs xo
Oh. My. God. It is NOT okay to drink Johnny Walker when there is no Jameson. My skull is eating my brain.
I just tried to dye my pubic hair teal for her
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