my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
I really like you and I'm tired of just hooking up. I want you be my boyfriend.
Uhh, I'm not breaking up with my girlfriend to be with you.
Baffled as to how I'm gonna get 150lbs of sand out of my basement.
I want him to get the hint. I sent 4 texts that only said "sex."
How was the party last night?
There's a mountain bike in the middle of our apartment. No one will claim it.
See, it wasn't that I broke my nose having sex. Its that I forgot about the bedposts...
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
You kept saying "this bitch", mumbled incoherently for like 5 minutes, took a shot, and kept going.
Good thing my vagina doesn't have a chronometer on it. I'm sure my fiance would be horrified. Probably 10 miles from this past weekend alone.
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
If I'm walking weird, don't judge me. Things got kinda outta hand with the GoPro on.
You don't have issues. You're a consenting adult having sex at work. Go you.
Drunk. Come get me. Out front blue shirt.
Where are you? And you borrowed my shirt. I know what you're wearing. How wasted are you?
Hotel
WHICH HOTEL??
That's true. Ask me when I'm not fucked up. Nvm hold on. Btw. Wikipedia dinosaur. It's fascinating
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