i either bought an eighteen year old girl or i'm engaged to her... i'm not quite sure
we were making out and he got up to change his pants. I wonder what would happen if i took my shirt off.
my life trainwreck boards at 9:30
after the first blizzard, i went out and bought a thirty and put it in a cooler and hid it out in the backyard. now the second blizzard has deposited 2 feet of snow on top of said cooler. there is a shovel and treasure map over here waiting for you
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
didn't know how to tell his mom I was confused about how long we'd been together because we banged for a full year before making it official
I'm not really into her personality. Not that we've ever looked for personality in women.
That's only a quality to look for in a second marriage.
Yeah I just gotta do it so that my major doesn't find out. Doesn't look good having a stripper teach your 3rd grader
It was drunk tag. I was Alice in wonderland chasing a ballerina who was chasing Lance Armstrong who had needles in his arms.
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
Amanda, I can 99.9% assure you i'm probably never going to bang your mom
I DON'T LIKE THAT SENTENCE
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
Am I getting cock blocked by karaoke? That's a first.
Access to a Target is paramount to my general happiness and self-worth.
You kept apologizing to your car for talking behind its back
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