I told her it just looked small because my balls were gigantic. She bought it.
I do regret it. But I can't unfuck her
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
so yeah i told her you were going to become a doctor and the first thing she said was "i still don't want to fuck him". i tried.
Earned the respect of a group of freshman by chugging Das Boot while hanging out a window and lost it shortly after by wrecking a clown bike into them.
more embarrassing than that time i showed up to class in my hoodie and leggings because i over slept, and then as i zipped my hoodie down i realized i didn't sleep with a bra on or a shirt
fuck it. from now on whatever room i wake up in, i'm stealing clothes from. this walk of shame shit is too much without pants
And he came all over himself. At least he didn't ruin my new lulus.
Actually though that could've been bad.
Nothing like waking up and watching Dr. Phil and masturbating. It's like a protein shake for the day.
I tried to light my cup as a bong. I'm done drinking
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
i warned you not to do dabs 20 minutes before graduation. You never listen
I have to sleep with him. We're too much alike. It's like clash of the titans, except instead of clashing, he's putting it in me.
I swear we were drugged last night
We had a 130$ tab bitch. We drugged ourselves.
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
Randomize
