im officially scared..,i finally realized who my boyfriend reminds me of! spencer pratt
She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
I didnt expect it either. But she was there and I had a boner, so i made it happen.
i couldnt tell she was wearing a bumpit until she started giving me head
I swallowed and made him pancakes in the morning. I feel almost as desperate as Jennifer Aniston at this point.
I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
i was on the fence about his sexual orientation until he referred to his marlboro loghts as "carrie bradshaws"
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
Aw lol. Sounds like my masturbation injury last year
I'm concerned I'll look like a hooker on new years eve in this outfit
There are different standards on new years eve. To look like a hooker you literally need to be giving a guy head on the street while he's handing you cash.
How long after mardi gras is it considered okay to wake up topless and wearing beads?
let’s be honest I’d fucking Irish step dance on your grave, asshole
Broke my ankle and blacked out on my scooter last night. 'Twas grand.
i'm in a very strange mood rn i'm listening to bruno mars??? am i ok????
There is a huge naked guy in the kitchen with the boner of a lifetime and what I believe is an assault rifle casually resting on his shoulder.
Randomize
