when a 14 year old is judging you, you know you've had too much to drink
Tonight just feels like one of those I'm going to lose a shoe nights.
I'll start choreographing the sperm rain dance now
And I don't know what it is about weed making me want every episode of the real housewives of everywhere
What is this nonsense on the table
Your idea.
I mean the hole taco that was chewed up and spit out
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
I will rip it off your body in ways are socially offensive but you still kind of like.
I have a gay crossdressing neighbor that's dresses up as a slutty pirate. 6 beers from now I would have hit on him. I hate halloween.
I partied with 2 slutty ninja turtles from Sweden last night, I Love Halloween.
He was making a joke about signing my name on this piece of paper. He has a whole bucket filled with names on pieces of paper. I think thats how he keeps count.
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
I'm just trying to win a butt plug dude
This is a question I thought I'd never have to ask. How many hits of acid did you give your dad tonight?
Black labs can get you to do pretty much anything...even approach strange men in their bath robes
I think when your throwing up on the highway on the way to pick up your mom from the airport is a sign to slow down.
he's trapped himself under a bed and is screaming at a robot dog to give him a blowjob
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