Michael Jackson had a heart attack when he found out boyz to men was a music group not a delivery service.
I drank almost a whole fifth last night. Woke up with blood everywhere wearing a "stereotype this" tshirt. How fitting
all you kept saying from the spare room was "can you bring me a puke bowl...and the cat"
oh no, im for sure still drunk. i wana eat evrything in the fancy feast commercial... everything
i dodnt think we hooked up bcause he actually texted me the next day
Did I crawl through the hotel lobby all the way to our room?
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
Did I really just find a cheez- it box full of condoms in your room?
I'm trying to figure if this dude sitting in his car with the door open is dead or just sleeping. Someone was probably wondering the same thing bout me 20 minutes ago. Your meeting is taking a ridiculous amount of time.
There's two sisters at this place and they look competitive. Try for a threesome tonight?
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
I mean like if I stood up my head might pull me down like an anchor
I should not be allowed to reproduce. The world doesn't need my sarcastic asshole demon spawn in child form
i asked your drunk ass where the fuck you were going and you screamed “WENDY’S BITCH”.
Yes. With one-hundred percent positivity I can say yes, I do not want you covered in waffles and syrup when I come home.
Randomize
