??? When I first met her at the bar, she told me she was 23. After I bought her 3 shots of tequila, she told me she was really only 21. When we went back to my house, she said she was really only 19. She's still sleeping next to me butt naked. I'm afraid if she opens her mouth again I could be looking at 10 years.
that cunt stole my fb status. SHE'S NOT THAT FUNNY
instead of telling him i dont hook up with closet frat guys, i gave him his "straight' fraternity brothers number... pike house will be interesting tonight
is it bad i banged a 25yr kindergarten teacher last night?
No thats like a top 10
As long as you don't die I'm in full support of your drinking decisions
Pre warning. Your not gonna sleep tonight cuz I'm staying with your roommate. Thanks for breaking up with me.
At one point I went looking for you and found you handcuffed to a chair. I'm pretty sure you handcuffed yourself. I don't know how you got there.
I have never smelled more like a drunk mariachi band than I do right now.
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
I've never felt so epic in my entire life as I do right now, my bare testicles staring down the ocean itself
so i guess now we know you can get away with peeing mere feet from the Capitol if you shout IM PREGNANT at the guards
I couldn't drink enough to fuck the friend, you said challenge accepted and stole some chicks shot.
I took out the emergency phone in the elevator and replaced it with a bottle of vodka. The game is simple, do a shot for the number of the floor you're going to. Best suggestion box tip ever.
Nothing quite like the "I had sex you a month ago and now we're stopped at the same 4 way" wave
Sorry, that was mean and I didn't mean it. I'm just mad at condoms
Randomize
