We basically counted to 3 and then dumped each other.
So I decided to put different foods on my dick to see which would feel the best
and??
Cake is only good when you eat it
Dude, I just saw a sixteen year old girl in a catholic school uniform buying a pregnancy test... With a coupon!
SLUTTIEST. 4TH. EVER.
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
I blacked in at 6:30am on the last stop on the train with a random fedora on? And I'm pretty sure I rode in a limo last night while eating pizza
I'm on this new diet called "I have 10$ till next Friday, I have rice
I made out with a guy who was dressed as Borat
And like a minute in, I was like oh fuck what am I doing
Did you run away?
I DANCED AWAY.
Apparently we don't communicate very well unless we're drunk and/or naked
My liver is fucking rocky. Get knocked down 7 times and gets up 8. World champ
Well then she has to know whoever you were kissing was in overalls because that's not a detail you just leave out.
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
I had Mac n cheese made with weed butter last night. Epic
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