If your 8 lb baby was ham it would serve 6-8 people
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
just joined the mile high club. if this plane crashes because of this text, it was worth.
idk. I was on the deck with Dominic and i felt something weird on my arm. I looked down and you were licking my elbow.
He said I was almost as good as the wheel chair sex he had the night before. Apparently I just cant compete with 4 wheels
Professor just informed us that she can't come to class today because her daughter broke her glasses and she can not see where she is going. Am I still drunk from this weekend?
I'm high, watching "Scream" and eating a grilled cheese sandwich off my boobs. I'm not going anywhere
Come on, clusterfuck. Put on a pushup bra and get your fine ass to the bar, or you will be a sad single stoner forever
Came home from this girls horse at 6am to find a guy lighting off roman candles in front of my door. Best walk of fame I've ever had.
if I blackout nd am found tomorrow w butterfly hairclips on my nipples and my habd down my pants tell my family I am sorry
when in doubt, mount your coworker in the staff room.
I'll just bring the big suitcase this trip so I don't have to play wine bottle tetris again.
So many questions...the two most important are, where the fuck is my booze and how did you even get the couch through the door?
That's the 3rd negative pregnancy test this month. I'm on a roll.
Randomize
