I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
I drank myself into bisexuality again.
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
Counseling BFF to break up with her BF. We will get that 3-way
I feel like I just tasted lung cancer.
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
Synchronized big wheels back flips off the second floor roof. Good idea or great idea?
I have to deal with three things I do not like this weekend. Pooping in toilets that are not mine. Air mattresses. Not beating off in the shower.
I gave the bathroom attendant $5 last night for turning the sink on for me. What. The. Fuck.
I woke up on his couch and my bra was flung across the floor and filled with animal crackers
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
Gonna be late for work. Sex comes first. Priorities.
I'm sorry I tried to spit drugs down your throat like a baby bird last night.
I've had pants off for 3 hours now. America.
He made me pay for half of dinner. Fucking feminist revolution.
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