My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
This was all being yelled across a beer pong table as all important things should be discussed
I'm gonna answer everything she says with 'cum on da face' until she breaks up with me...great idea or greatest idea?
It's like rock paper scissors. Cold showers and smoking beat hangovers.
I do NOT want to date a man who has no interest in going to a kangaroo farm
To be honest, waking up to 20 naked people in my house was not the weirdest thing to happen to me in the past 24 hours
She'll feel so accomplished if she finally gets to bang me.
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
So I think I've successful blown my foot off in a way that's going to make you call me an idiot.
Turns out the guy I did all that coke with the other night is a cop
We're dating now
We will discuss everything tomorrow i presume. Including the sweaty naked tango.
Randomize
