"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
I just want to get to the point in our relationship where I can get on top of her and fart and we can both laugh...not just me.
somehow writing 'not a skank' on yur boobs doesn't really make you look less skanky...
she was puking into the toilet drowning herself saying "its okay im a swimmer"
I swear if his heart was half the size of the cum stains he's left on my sheets we would have the perfect relationship
You're just mad at the fact that I want to be a car alarm.
i can recognize that vagina from a mile away
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
Almost just stuck my dick in my bong for no reason
You don't know scared until you've just begun the first stage of an acid trip till a guy on stilts with a creepy mustache and beard says "enter the Forrest"
Regardless of your intentions, deep throating a Twinkie is NOT sexy. You owe that poor cashier an apology the next time you pump gas.
I had a dream about that dude. It was the first time I had a dream about him since the tryst.
The tryst?
The hookup. I like using sophisticated words for my foolish decisions. Makes me retain some dignity.
only I would find a long lost relative through a craigslist casual encounters ad
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
Your sister just admitted to being a " much bigger bitch" than you. So you've got that going for you, which is nice.
Randomize
