I wish my mouth had a period so that could be my excuse on those days I don't feel like giving head
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
dude. she was texting with her nipple. I love touch screen phones!
..and then spiked the maple syrup at iHop
I just realized last night I drunk-bought a flight to Florida for this weekend...kinda torn between the price and the potential of awesomeness
I guess I'm in a committed relationship. We just had shot 1 of 3 of Gardasil. I'm now dead inside.
There was enough sluts here for 2 threesomes to happen at the same time, and you still struck out. What did you do to piss off karma so much?
Maybe we should invest in one and when one of us wishes to be a hot mess in a wheel chair the other one will push the mess around to wherever it wants to go.
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
I'm afraid I might run into that fat chick that sucked on me in the hospital parking lot while her friend cried in the car next to us, but I may be willing to take that chance.
you went to ralph's and bought all of their pears and left them outside my house
She was nothing like her profile said, we had nothing in common, and her picture mustve been like 30 pounds ago. But yeah we hooked up
Most of my life can be described like an HBO prison drama.
Just for the record, I did not have sex in your bed. Happy 4th of July.
I hate waking up to a room that reeks of bad decisions...
Randomize
