Just be blunt and say drink from my dick
The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
My therapist told me it was ok for me to "take risks" now. Cue the hookers and blow.
All I'm saying is that she needs to invest in some razors. But her head game is great. The pros and cons in last minute hook-ups
Not a single person will look me in the eye. Last night must've been bad.
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
you better take a shot tonight for every cat you have ever seen and wanted. this is a lot of cats.
You have to understand, he didn't so much come out of the closet as he backflipped out of it with an accompanying marching band.
Just found weed in an empty handle. Who knew Capitan Morgan was also a gardener?
how many people can say they bit their tattoo off?
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
Nothing says "First Single Holidays" quite like getting baked with the guy that took your virginity four years ago.
Also, you should've bet on Team Liver.
We won.
USA USA USA
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
I got pull-out-my-nuvaring-drunk last night.
Randomize
