I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
You can't like Harry Potter and Twilight. You have to pick. Vampires and Wizards are mutually exclusive.
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
Going to get yelled at but I labeled the reel "four dried up sluts decide going to the middle east to shop during a war is the best idea ever"
I went out in the middle of the night to smoke my weed.. Didn't realize my dad was sitting on the patio doing the exact same thing..
I found out why they kept calling her "CD". It was short for "Crab Dip". You're fucked.
I'm going to die alone in my chair and get eaten by my cat. That kind of break up.
The stripper was waving you to the stage, not up on the stage. That's why you got choked out.
Just had sex in an ice hut. What have you done with your holiday break?
She had pubes that could make an episode of Duck Dynasty. Fear the Vag Beard
I'm gonna play eenie meenie at the bar tonight because it's women's day and I deserve the dick
summer in europe = liver of steel
I accept that challenge.
Soo I'm in the trunk of a car drunk about to jump on trampolines. My life rocks!
So I said "fuck it" and made myself a sandwich
i just remembered i drunk watched the brave little toaster last night
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