i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
You asked the officer if he could bring you to the same jail as T.I.
he was walking around the bar drinking wild turkey and gobbling simultaneously
just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes
In the future let's not drunk dive in the fountain in front of the hotel bar.
Let's just say a refrigerator got involved and after that I had to send him home.
I HOPE YOURE READY TO KICK SOME SERIOUS ASS AT TRIVIA NIGHT TOMORROW NIGHT. also, i hope the birth of your niece goes well. BUT MOSTLY TRIVIA NIGHT.
I wish there were birth control emojis
You were petting your bowl of cocoa puffs and shushing it softly while staring at the mirror
I'm by the tree and the Dora the explorer balloon .. Look for the Dora the explorer balloon
welp, we watched the human centipede high last night and my mind literally shut down, when i came to all i could hear was mel saying EAT EAT HIS SHIT
i only got to wear my halloween costume for an half hour before it got taken off.
So apparently my bro is going to make me fix his tattoo this trip... He sent me a pic of said tattoo. Tattoo is of a sperm, on his penis, which was in a woman's mouth... Wth
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