Dude, I'm so high in the forest and I think I'm in a bear den.
What's the procedure for failed threesomes? Do I friend her on facebook this morning?
yeh she's definitely getting a ham and plan b omelette in the morning
dibs on John Mayer's hood pass
A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
I'm just gonna plan on never getting a bf. everything I touch turns to gay
To be clear, the next time I wake up with your dick inside me, I will reach down and grab one and squeeze until it pops like a grape. You've been warned.
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
i think i just encouraged him to glue googly eyes to my boobs
you know that moment when all the alcohol kicks in and suddenly you realize the bar is very loud and you just want to bite someone sexy and ride their face i am kinda at that moment
We have hung out 5 times and only had sex 3 of those times. I'd call that friendship
I was desperate and wasn't about to let my cereal get soggy so I ate it on the toilet. Don't let me repeat last night.
Why were you naked on your bathroom floor?
It was a "get entirely naked to take a shit" kind of blackout I think.
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
I’m not dating him for his personality. I’m dating him so I can steal his dog.
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