Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
i literally forgot his name and just started calling him "waffles"
My cousin just asked what abortion is. Happy Holidays.
she said, and i quote, "i want to black out with my rack out"
Dude..masurbate with cocoa butter lotion..its like cocoa pebbles just gave me a hand job
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
I don't know. What do people who don't get stoned do?
I take to many stalker pics of him. If he ever looks through my phone he'll never give me sex again :(
She has "Massive Shits" listed as a turn off. That's very specific and there's a story behind it I bet.
Sweet, got a date tomorrow night
She actually purred while I was balls deep in her! I have never been so proud to buy plan b at 6:30 in the morning.
No one's ever called me intergalactic cocksucker, before.
What does it say about me that I feel completely charmed right now?
When your guy changes his swinger profile to include you. #makingprogress
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
He started humming a moment like this when I was taking off his pants.
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