I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
You said, "can you make out with him for a little bit, I need a break."
I know you claim to have a large penis but I do not believe in what i cannot see. Sort of like god.
She was so morning drunk she asked the lady at brueggers for a bandaid and my self respect back
I have a new philosophy. Fuck wearing bras, it's summertime.
Just visited the liquor store.... for the 4th time today. shits gonna get weird
It's a little sad/awesome that I scored coke within 60 seconds of walking in the bar.
The student becomes the teacher.
Dude, where are you?
In back
of car
... whose car?
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
Hey, I found that piece of pizza you lost in my bed last night. Never again...
ive started thanking my toys after masturbating. might be time to get some fuck boys
I'm keeping him.
Sex was good?
I had to tap out three times. There aren't words for how much better than "good" that is.
when i woke up with rugburns on the tops of my feet, knees, and chin i was a little confused. and then i remembered i had sex with him in his friends walk in closet.
I can't talk, I can't walk, I think I'm twitching and I'm not even sure if I'm typing this. Help
Randomize
