Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
Everything we own is covered in grass and KY
if you don't go out with us, what are you gonna do? you're gonna go home and watch biodome and masturbate to texts from your east coast boyfriend and see the facebook pictures from the party when you wake up.
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
there was a 40 knocked over. chips and salsa all over the floor. and she was in her thong doing boot camp on demand in the middle of the room..
Drunkasaurus has found a new cave to eat all the children she captured
I need to get you away from Bacardi 151 and out from under the bed
Yeah. I don't think I have anything left in me tho. I think I was throwing up tangible memories at one point.
This is a rough morning for me
No, rough is puking in your froyo cup next to a five year old and her grandma.
Nothing screams fatass like a pizza that doesn't fit in your car
No, it wasn't really a sexy 'I'm going to go masturbate.' It was an 'I'm going to go masturbate' that implied I was going to drink a tall boy of Mikes and cry while I looked at lesbian porn.
Found some boxer briefs on my patio table this morning surrounded by a case worth of empties. Starting to remember why I have rugburn and a sore asshole.
I gave him a handjob in the uber car. Life is really spiraling downwards.
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
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