I'm trying to bond with my sister... Its like getting to know a person I never met that I don't like
Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.
I pretty much gave up on you when you told me you couldn't go home yet b/c you had to stop at church first. It was 2 AM and you insisted you were late for mass.
If we have to be apart I understand. Being separated is probably best for our relationship now. I look forward to our booty calls.
WHOA. WHOA. WTF. WHOA. TOO HIGH FOR HIM TO BE ENGAGED RIGHT NOW.
I just got over my period in 3 days...I believe that is god's way of saying "go fuck an amazingly attractive Italian boy on vacation"
what the fuck a piece of candy corn just came out of her nose
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
Oh my god he's laying on a longboard singing the song from cool runnings.
I like her. She smells like old lady but tastes like whiskey
You were mean to me and you broke my heart and hurt my feelings. You dont get to talk to me about Peter Dinklage
I woke up to pizza pinned to my wall. So that's that.
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
I feel I should send an apology letter to my anesthesiologist.
I just bought condoms and a potted plant, making for a top ten super weird and awkward purchase.
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