my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
Mission leave-the-puke-on-the-floor-til-the-dog-eats-it completed. I work smarter not harder
Sitting on the floor in my kitchen eating taquitos. Being this drunk the next day has lost its allure post graduation.
Two grown ass men just come into the bar riding humongous tricyles
Come over and help me clean up your so-called "winter wonderland" that you made with the fire extinguisher in the kitchen last night.
Is all white too much for court to prove my innocents?
Now have a vodka water and get your shit together
I woke up next to her boyfriend and she woke up next to mine....
This is like a fucked up game of musical chairs.
She kept saying how cute and adorable I was. I felt like a care bear getting a blowjob
I can only use one eye at a time. And if I want to listen, I have to close both of them.
If anybody had to puke on my shoes, I'm glad it was you.
In tonight's episode of Travis' Fucked up Sex Life, Travis breaks into a building at Tulane to have sex with an attractive Asian man.
Oh yeah, you are a real peach except for shitting uncontrollably and bleeding out of your face.
Next time we smoke please remind me to put my bong back in my build a bear box. My mom says if I leave it out one more time she's keeping it for herself.
I think I was just motorboated by a 4-year old girl.
Randomize
