foreplay: 7 minutes. sex: 3 minutes. cuddling: 10 minutes. getting dressed: 5 minutes. commute: 5 minutes.
we just ordered 30 dollars worth of french fries...whats wrong with us?
He bought me a flower. He's totally getting head every day for a week.
All I know is I had a penis in one hand a bottle of wine in the other
This dude is being a total douche
Just because it's Christmas Eve does not mean the liquor store has to give you a free bottle of peppermint schnapps
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
Ok, let's play "if you were a slut" again and try and retrace our steps last night..
I was literally convinced that the turkey wrap i was eating was keeping me alive. And i couldnt have been happier. That high.
Let's drink?
Just because it's bacon vodka doesn't mean it's for breakfast.
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
My mom got me high and then dropped me off at a church.
I've abandoned trying to find a logical explanation of your life.
ders ninda duuude pooring goden shots ov glory. I see em an i dont but there hear.
are you attempting voice recognition while drunk again?
I tried to pay my tab and go home but she wrote me a "list of things I'm good at" with fellatio as no 1...
I just crashed on my couch and have no intention of ever getting up again
I will be over with a bedpan and beer
So we were in bed when his brother walks in, walks over to me, fist bumps me and says he just wanted to say hi, then leaves...so random lmao
Randomize
