I just found a Chris Hansen soundboard online, care to guess what I'll be doing all day?
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
someone lit off fireworks while I puked in the street. I was like congratulating me for making it through homecoming.
Seriously. There are at least 10 other people drinking at the bar with me at 10:40. Im justifying it with the fact that I've been up since 5am.
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
I believe I convinced two girls to makeout for freedom last night Hahaha
Is it possible to be drunk burnt? Like sun burnt but from drinking? Cus I think I that's what it feels like
I gave a handjob to the beat of uptown fuck last night
i woke up this morning put my hand under the pillow and there was a banana there
Yep that's the face of someone whose dick I would put in my mouth without hesitation
I woke up in a bush somewhere in Tucson with a full suit on. Great way to end my birthday.
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
I brought her cheeseburgers and tequila but she's still mad at me.
I don't get it. If he broke into Taco Bell at 2 am, then why couldn't he have brought me home a fucking taco???
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