I think I just got seasick
you're not on a boat
he has a waterbed.
if my vagina gave out awards, he should be preparing acceptance speaches for the oscar, the heisman and the nobel peace prize.
Her birthday cake consisted of a shot of tequila with a candle in it
I really hope that wasn't actually his first time. Because if my first time was anything like that I would NEVER have sex again.
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
When his Irish accent comes out my uterus hums. Or some productive organ down there, I'm not sure of the logistics
wait no I wore my bra home that morning. I stole someone's bra last night?
i've written a new chapter in the saga of unexpected dongs
we dropped acid in chinatown. worst. idea. ever. too many colors. and nobody has any idea where steve is.
A penis isn't a time share. I want to own not rent.
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
I even put my vibrators back in the bedroom instead of the coffee table. If that's not growing up then I don't know what is.
All I ever wanted was my bed, Tylenol, and total darkness. Instead I had a pervert with porno posters who blares german rock calling me tootsie pop. How was your saturday night?
My purse is full of condoms and money.
I like where this is going...
You're a brave, albeit stupid soul for wanting in on the fuckery that comes attached to my vagina
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