You know you're true friends when you can talk about what sexual diseases you may or may not have.
just apologized to a random stranger while waiting in line for coffee. last night was that drunk
I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
I am spending my work day planning my weekend drinking schedule
bet u 5 dollars u can't guess were i woke up this morning
oh god.. jail?
better, on the catwalk of the auditorium
Uggh answer your phone, you are the only one I know who'll be proud of what I woke up next to this morning .
Look, if he's not the brother with three nipples, I'm just not interested.
Tough to say exactly how to play this. I just know people don't like surprises when genitals are involved.
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
I just want you to know that I'm, like, 45% hard right now.
Day drinking is so dangerous way too many construction workers out there to flirt with
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
At what part of the night did you guys leave?
After my hot tub cannonball.
I have done everything sexualally imaginable with that umpalumpa
I once left mine in my bra and I forgot and I didn't notice it was there until it vibrated.
Randomize
