Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
the snow is so cold on my vagina.
why do you have snow on your vagina?
vodka and heels.
malibu coconut giveth, and malibu coconut taketh away
the girl walking home behind me started yelling and pointing "i want an ass like hers!" i feel vaguely accomplished.
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
our relationship was basically a one night stand, with a three week long, morning after
Best ethics paper a stoner could write. I called my professor Dr. Superfly Arandia. And I'm pretty sure I used "respect the hustle" somewhere in there too.
You just want to live out all your fuck fantasies with all these girls through me. I know your game. Well played sir.
I just got dropped off by that cop that pulled you over. Best sex ever! Consider that $140 ticket my birthday present.
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
I feel like I might be the only person I know who eats bundles of radishes in-between orgasms from their vibrator.
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
I feel kind of like we’re in a gang and tonight is one of those “people are gonna know not to fuck with us” type of nights. And then tomorrow I am going to learn to pole dance. I’m not really sure how I got to this point in my life… but I like it.
I may or may not have puked near a bear on the side of the road this morning.
We told him to puke in the Denny's parking lot or we wouldn't be his friend anymore. So he did. He wasn't even drunk.
Randomize
