I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
I just ran up four flights of stairs in heels, im getting an orgasm tonite.
Fuckkkk i made out with a freshman.....but he's old for his age. THIS IS WHAT HAPPENS WHEN YOURE NOT AROUND.
Last night was just one giant freudian slip.
You made out with EVERYBODY.
Can I just bleach my life?
I would have been very attracted to her had she not been reading me my Miranda Rights
There's scrapes on the inside of both my thighs.. Because we wanted to get drunk and climb trees naked.
Just chugged a Bloody Mary in 60 seconds flat. New personal best! Happy Sunday!
Is it weird that the best sex I've ever had was to Barbara Streisand's Christmas album?
He signed my ass with a Waffle House pen.
Dude. I keep thinking about how I let a man gum my vagina.
I mean seriously...It's like the universe is saying "your vagina is closed, move along"
Do we have to do this party tonight? I'm worried my bed will miss me...
If you find me in the bathroom in a fetal position, licking frozen bacon .. I might have Drank a little too much.
it was the most awkward makeout ever. it was record breaking really
...i feel like you have a lot of those.
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
Randomize
