I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
no homo or anything but the way you were dancing with that girl gave me a boner
it was like the sexual equivalent of when Wilson fell off the raft and floated away
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
His dick was as big as my arm. Giving him a handjob was like giving someone an Indian sunburn.
TAing a class of 300 froshies and being so hungover I forgot a bra is my way of making dreams come true.
She made me take my shoes off outside her room but she didn't make me wear a condom. I am confused.
I'm mad at him and disappointed with you. It's like I put a bunch of effort into a PowerPoint of "what not to do with Zach" to show you and the first bullet point was "do not love him" and you're just disregarding all my effort and friendship.
I have to make mistakes myself to learn from them
FUCK YOU I AM MAKING A POWERPOINT
We should hook up after this. Laugh or look horrified to say yes.
That sad moment when you flush your Molly down the toilet at the airport & watch your vacation slowly end..
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
Btw I'm already known as the drunk roommate. Don't know if that's a success or a failure seeing as it hasn't even been a week since I've been here
We spent 45 minutes searching the crevices of our friend's car with a pair of tweezers trying to find the acid that we dropped
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
My penis definitely considers my Captain Cock costume a success
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