But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
I think I'm going to die by hangover. I'm in my spanish class. So I guess I'm going to be muerte.
Tell me why I'm at Target and this entire Spanish family is crowding around the condoms questioning which ones they should get
I'm in class. I'm not opening a page with the words "death erection" in the link. There's people behind me lol.
Just walk straight and zig zag through cars tell you get to the road. That's where I am. Perpendicular to the doors do not make any turns
Want to get high and go thrifting? I'm trying to succeed making my dorm look like a deranged Applebees.
I put chex mix in your purse for when you get hungry while doing your walk of shame tomorrow!
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
He literally had a Trump sign in his front yard. I just can't now.
Last night when we banged she had nothing else on but socks that said 'property of Jesus' on them.
If you break up with me one more time it's over.
I'm in love. Her name is Jamie. She's beautiful. She punched me in the face.
He graduated. He’s not my GA anymore. He’s just the 24 year old that’s helping me put a sexless marriage in the rear view mirror by exploring the Kama sutra with me
Now I know Sunday Funday means fucking till you loose your voice.
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