it was a mass text i'm sorry
do you usually send 'hey sexy' as a mass text?
Sarah Palin just quit. Happy Independence day!
God Bless America!
his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
it was like brushing your tongue but with a fucking long toothbrush.
The cop refused to sing with us, even though he was as happy as we were that the tow truck finally showed up.
I vomited in the sink and my bra was in there...I don't even have words to describe this hangover confusion
No she stopped screaming. Now she's eating popcorn. Off a plate. With a spoon.
If I don't end up being a booty call for Valentine's Day, you wanna go to the movies?
I'm gonna cougar town the shit out of that prom.
I was screaming out for people to gather the townsmen and the mayor so we could hang him
The only time we had a decent conversation was when he was on acid, and, like, that's not a great start to a relationship.
I think that's the first time I had "ass rimming" scroll across my phone at work
Hey do u remember the time we used my mascara wand as a drink stirer?
Sex. Target parking lot. I really am the mayor.
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