I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
The size of her vagina has nothing to do with the size of her heart bro
We're on a cock hunt. Everything is fair game.
The cab driver doesn't know where we can find an empire state building shaped dildo either!? What is wrong with NYC!?
Gooodnight my beautiful sex angel. Much luvz for joo, etceteraz
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
I'm bringing vagina and cookies. You'll be fine.
So i had a feeling this dude with one leg in a wheelchair was following me around Walmart turns out I was right. He just asked for a picture of my feet.
i mean i let him but still...
my life could not get any worse. just saw my sister in a porno
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
How likely is it that we can see each other tomorrow night? I want to shave my legs in good faith but it's cold outside and my bathroom is drafty.
Jesus fuck that was emotional whiplash
I'll give you one guess. It has a cock and I want it
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
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