Ikea night.
?
Insert tab A into swedish slot B
I looked at my own cervix.
dude 8 am is too early to start pregaming for new years eve
clearly you are not from wisconsin
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
I'm not as easy in Europe as I am in the US
Only because you can wipe your slut slate clean & start anew. It's a little known benefit of our currency exchange.
she's sitting in the bathroom of SA telling people to come in for a toilet ride
I have their Unicorn picture in my shirt, and I just threw a Bud Light Platinum bottle through their window. We need to go now.
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
I drank enough to tranq a steed. You really missed out
Trying to Jedi mind trick myself into not throwing up. This is not the esophagus you are looking for.
Your first mistake was thinking that you could get through the day without drinking a single bottle of alcohol. Your second mistake was wearing shark boxers.
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
Wtf did i hit my head on?
Tequila
A piece of your chipped nail polish just fell out of my crotch.
Randomize
