dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
I wore my front clasp bra so he would have to prove his sobriety to me before we had sex.
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
I told my doctor about us having twin chlamydia
This is worse then when all the pharmacists sang me happy birthday while I was buying plan b
Why is the clock ticking so loud? Now I know how Captain Hook feels.
So you'd go straight for a fat chick with cheese on her tits?
Yes.
You're best friend just tackled me....naked....brought me to his room where he had freshly baked cinnamon rolls. I didn't know he could cook
Statistics show that guys with slightly higher IQ scores and overly-trimmed eyebrows have micro penises. It's science.
He just said "I know you want my cock" and I said nah. I want food bro
Waking up drunk is great, waking up drunk and hanging with your mom is even better.
So I was laying on the couch reading a book and he texted me. All I saw was the image of him spitting on my vagina last night in the moonlight. I gagged.
Played Gay Bar on the jukebox and pissed off the Republicans here. Best day before birthday ever.
He had me sit on his face until I begged him to stop, then held me there 5 minutes longer. I rested my head on his chest, told him I needed time to recover....and slept for 6 hours. By the time I woke, he was already at work. I just sent him a countdown times until his shift is over.
You don't know happiness until you've got to smoke weed inside taco bell and then eat all you want for free
Randomize
