Imagine if sharks could walk on land...scary.
you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
If I don't throw up the day I graduate i'll feel like the last 4 years and thousands of dollars spent on alcohol will have been wasted.
The last thing I remember before blacking out was telling Jamie that she was too fat even for my standards. The first thing I remember after blacking out was waking up next to her.
For the first time in my life, I paid for my own alcoholic beverage last night. Am I getting ugly?
To be honest, kinda.
You don't understand. He was so ginger that he could make red hair a dominant gene. And I refuse to torture my future spawn like that.
You need to simmer down or I'm going to buy you a labia leash.
I borrowed a glass of wine. And the bottle. Your cat said it was ok
I SMOKED SO MUCH I SKIPPED A DAY.
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
xanax give me strength to not ask where we stand with booty calls
This is why I only drink in places with a C or D health rating
Of course he's seen my tits, I wave those things around like a trump supporter does an American flag
Get to the bar now. Ryan is single again and every skank on campus that has heard story about his dick is circling like a shark. A cock hungry shark
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