I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
How come ATM is perfectly acceptable, yet not washing your hands after you poo is socially reprehensible?
According to the transitive property, he has now had dick in his mouth.
ttyl tear gas
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
He SHOWED UP to the party wearing one shoe and a dinosaur hat. He kept lifting up his shirt and asking people to bite his nipple.
I sent him a pic of my tits and he said "Word." I need a drink.
Strange request but for my birthday you should get me one of those vibrators that you can plug into your iPod that go along with the music.
The way I kissed her was actually pretty charming and then it devolved to car sex
You will bone me until my eyeballs fall out. This is not a request.
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
Your the only girl I know that carries a $1100 purse with tater tots inside
She's licking the vodka she spilled off the desk
Aaaaand now she's drinking it out of the shot glass like a cat
As much as I hate to admit it, some day ill need a man because I can't open jars myself and you can't 69 a dildo
Like I don't even know how to respond to this?
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