Bea Arthur died yesterday
You shut your stupid mouth
Betty White is next, I just know it.
Betty White will never die! She's like Dick Clark. Rue McCalahan is next.
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.
i just ran into our bio chem professor at the bar. apparently, he doesn't follow the "no slapping your students' asses" rule.
A. What the fuck are period panties? B. Don't ever wear them around me... or bears.
It's 4th of July all over again, we were chasing with the pool water.
Also, did that cop draw hearts on everyone's hands last night?
plus shes a stripper, ive been with strippers, if you fuck this up your penis will never forgive you
When the cops knocked on the door, he just knocked back and announced "house keeping"
first reaction to dying the pubes purple - awesome. Reaction after I explain the process - not awesome. Hypothesis? when girls find out you know to bleach and dye your hair, they're turned off.
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
i'm not drunk or reckless enough to have you track my every fucking move. I AM AN ADULT
He's standing in the corner rubbing his nipples and reflecting on poor life choices
when i woke up with 300+ messages I didn't except them to be about coyotes and burning shoes.
Idk how much of a virgin he is but I'm tryna find out.
Randomize
