My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
I swear if his heart was half the size of the cum stains he's left on my sheets we would have the perfect relationship
Just woke up. Need to shower and fuck. Be there when I'm done disappointing. Should be 30.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just want one of her status not to be about Jesus.
Pretty sure i didnt get thrown out cause why dont i have more bloody areas
You guys better make it up to the cabin in time for mud wrestling on Saturday. I'm not kidding. You know when I joke, and now is not one of those times.
they lined up to high five me when i got taken out by the stretcher. The paramedic high fived them too
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
You asked me if I was judging you for being drunk, and if I can hypnotize you make sober.
we're the same shoe size and he owns more pairs of heels than i do. this could be the beginning of a beautiful friendship
Dressing as mugato from zoolander Halloween you may want to be the hand model. We can get you a fish bowl filled with Clementine Vodka and soda you can put your hand in.
He let me share his family pack of hot pockets with him. Chivalry isn't dead after all.
This is the most aggressive rendition of that Proclaimers song I ever heard.
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