I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
dont worry about it. i always have emergency bong water with me
Package from mother. Contents: Cookies, my old pokemon cards, and condoms. Note: "These have a July 2010 expiration date so give them away or use them with a gal that would be a great daughter in law. Love Mom" Love you too momma
he suggested we do it doggy style cuz it was his dead dogs birthday...i had to do it
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
I just realized the only way to play Edward forty-hands is commando in a skirt. This intelligence kick is really doing me justice.
I have learned that if you don't want to hook up with the guy who walked you home, food is great compensation.
Is there a particular reason why everyone is now calling you Butt Doctor?
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
My tits became the mascot for the SAE house last night.
Just had a threesome with a married couple.
Stop living my dream.
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
You’ll lick BBQ off my cock but no ketchup on a hotdog?
AND ONCE AGAIN THE HENNESSEY MAKES ME A SUPER SAIYAN
Oh for fuck's sake, is that why the couch is in the pool???
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