she keeps The Day After Pill in her bra... there is a God.
just got my tax refund and at bell. how do you say i want a grand worth of 5 layer burritos in spanish?
i just opened the overnight bag i packed at 2am last night. Apparently all i thought id need was a handful of quarters, mascara and one sock
I worked with a girl tonight that recognized me solely from a keg stand she witnessed me do sophmore year. Needless to say this made my night
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
He has no idea he's waking up in slut palace tomorrow morning
But I've also made plans to crash a black tie event wearing a storm trooper helmet. I think I've found the love of my life..
He really only has clothes, like 4 boogie boards, and a bong here.
I mean, I've had her boob in my mouth, but is that romance?
Haha I had a heart to heart with a stripper so I would say it was a success?
Um I got a ride home from the bar with two random boys and one tried to bang me on my parents riding mower
I'm the one who said we should take things slow. I'm also the one who forced him into the back on my car so we could have sex.
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
Went to waffle house after dropping my sister off at school and got into a heated argument with a drunk/hungover philosophy professor I will not name. I won the argument.
I’m sorry my lady boner messed up your mojo!!
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