omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
If I say "It's good enough" and I'm not talking about a sandwhich, that's your queue to stop me, you're supposed to be my friend.
like in an apt above a crackhead. A LEGIT CRACKHEAD. he woke me up every morning this week asking me if I wanted to buy a mini fridge and some CDs. at 5 am. EVERY DAY.
It was all about her orgasm last night. I felt like a human dildo.
she was handing out condoms w/ her number on them...
Just when I think I'm the one with the problem, I get home for the holidays and the family shows me what alcoholism is really about
We need to stop sleeping with people based on which NFL team they like.
I'm still not a hundred percent.. I haven't shit anything solid in two days.. I have pulled my puker muscles and I can't take deep breaths cuz of other unidentified muscles/maybe heart attack
He shoved his balls through an egg carton and showed us a picture. They were surprisingly egg-like.
The fuck-me-pumps were hot, the XL hoody kinda ruined it.
My dad just bought me a 40. I consider this our peace treaty.
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
He looks like he was the one that always had koolaid stains around his mouth as a kid, he can fuck off.
Other than trying to finger me on the couch in the middle of the bar a few times, you were fine.
You may be fancy. But you'll never be having cheesy garlic bread and scotch at 3am fancy.
Randomize
