Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
using my metrocard to split lines. it says optimism on the back. i am optimistic that you will appear at my door and help me finish all these drugs.
i don't want a singing card. it disturbs my hangover. give me a pack of cigs taped to a bottle of wine and fuck me without a condom. happy vday baby.
I have tardy slips. and absent slips if you don't show up to the bar. and trust me, if you are absent there will be a saturday school. I'm teaching you how to drink tonight.
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The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
These margaritas aren't just going to regret themselves.
Don't underestimate her when she starts going by "the vodka queen"
i asked the cop if we could stop and do a chinese firedrill.... he said no.
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
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I'm going to have to have a long talk with god if my soul mate has a prince albert
Car is still out of commission. Looks like it's Grape Nuts and scotch for dinner.
Your trash is full of condoms and yoohoos what a great life we live
I asked him if we were going to get arrested for doing it in the bar parking lot. "Absolutly not" said the guy getting the blow job...
The worst thing about buying this extremely comfortable bed is that once I get a girl into it, all she wants to do is sleep. I want my fucking money back.
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
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