i hope you realize that ur overconfidence only gave me one orgasm out of all the times we had sex. that's like a 1% success rate. u might wanna rethink how amazing you are.
i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
Hey, 'thunder cock' as proud as I am for you getting laid, could you put a muzzle on her? I have to be up at 5, thanks.
Just saw all the pictures from the party. I'm wearing a different shirt in every single one.
hi sober isdnt real. this is a mass rtoomate taext i thing. bye
AMAZING.
You just want to fuck a girl in a dinosaur costume, don't you?
So for future reference.... it's a little unnerving when I can't get hold of you, and the last communication we had was, "Oh fuck... It's tequila"
My roommates just built a mini golf course upstairs while I was sleeping.
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
What the hell do you have that is more important than a GIANT WATER SLIDE?
He said we were over, wrote my name on the condom he left in my car last night and said he'd always keep it in case I came back. It was kind of romantic
you're like an angel sent from heaven to guide my sex life into greatness
Thats so sweet
He just went to a job interview a sharpie moustache drawn on his face..
Also I just had a pointless meeting and the only thing I accomplished were my kegals
Randomize
