I'm quitting my job and I'm just going to become a professional drunk girls mistake.
STOP CALLING ME LADY CHLAMYDIA
I just threw up trying to put pants on. This is obviously a sign to stay naked.
like a dude with a badge in a golf cart is gunna do shit. Unless he has a tazer. Then it's fair game.
IDK DUDE BUT HE TIED IT WITH A SHOELACE SO I GOTTA FREE SHOELACE OUTTA THE DEAL. THIS GIVES A NEW MEANING TO LACED DRUGS
I drank it. I drank the beer from '78. I drank my bday beer, I drank my soul
scratch that I can tell you where she is shes drunk on a beach somewhere being a penis slayer
Shit. She's still hooking up with some random in the doorway. How do I get out of here?
Well hurry! Everybody is already at McDonalds.
I'm free! Didnt realize how easy it was to crawl out the window.
My boobs just got me out of my third ticket last night
i'm so proud. i woke up to nearly seven feet of basketball player in my bed this morning
you win. again.
You thought there were zombies attacking us so you tried to tuck and roll out of a moving vehicle. Also you should consider wearing underwear
I'm ordering dildos in a santa hat. You?
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
look, bitch. one day when everyone i care about deserts me for my severe moral depravity, you're going to be the only one i have.
i can't wait.
Is it appropriate to be taking shots at 11 on sunday?
Absolutely same thing as church only different
Randomize
