I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
This girl wants me to lick her pits
pits??
Yeah pits, I think I still go for it though
I feel like a great embryo-shaped weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
i am one more weekend without sex away from dosing him with viagra and locking ourselves into a closet.
stop bragging. last time i got laid i got double pink eye, and it was so not worth it
That's the girl I met who was peeing on the driveway with me. We bonded
Also, my aunt grabbed my phone and downloaded the scriptures. Apparently I need Jesus.
Pre-chapter meeting quote: "Why is there a bun literally taped to the shelf? That doesn't even make sense when you're drunk, who does that?"
I just told the sun to stop. That hungover.
I asked him to tell me a bedtime story, then threw up on him.
that game of battleshots got way too fucking intense. why does the couch have burn marks now.
Idk... he wears anklets.. i dont think i can get past that.
The night's not a success unless at least 60% of participants wake up with bite marks on their genitals the next morning.
I don't know what kind of parties you go to, but we should hang out more often.
christmas shopping: 3 hours in the liquor store...
Randomize
