I love how all the girls on the plan b commercial wake up alone.. Like me
I'm sorry..where i come from learning how to exploit a wealthy middle aged man is a right of passage
My professor is talking about sperm and all I can think about is my mouth
I think he'd cut a tree down for me. He's from North Dakota. That's something hot guys do there, right?
We had a race to see who could chug their vodka tonic faster. College doesn't seem to be working for me... I'm getting exponentially dumber
The pick up line I used was "Grab my sack, you'll be back." Then I winked at her.
We are there now. They have a giant cock and balls with an eagles face and wings.
I had to run home with my hands covering my tits this morning. How does this keep happening?
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
Well. I hope my dad likes whatever sweater stoned me picks out.
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
Listen here, Ms. "I'm Gonna Get Super Drunk and Run From My Friends Screaming That They Were Going to Drag Her to a Scientology Recruitment Camp"...
Blow Jobs and the Patriots Playing I think I’m going to marry her
i think it’s okay to see him. you just can’t wind up with his penis in your mouth again
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
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