Changed my sheets. Found a can of rockstar, crushed bag of tostitos, used tissues, and enough of both of our clothes to make a whole outfit.
Even after projectile vomiting watermelon on the beach, it still sounds appetizing.
Can I use you as a job reference? Don't tell them i got you fired cause I banged you tho
How do you have time to get laid so much in law school?
I like to set goals for myself. for example, he was my first libertarian
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
I woke up next to her will a oven mit taped to my cock. Dear god, I might have tried to use it as a condom.
We were showing our tits to everyone because it's breast cancer awareness month and we care deeply
I thought we were doing it cause it's Tuesday
Dear god how many nuts did u bust in me my vagina feels like a bowl of jello.
Plus, I've always wanted to drive in rush hour with a huge cock drawn on my hood
We ended up at an Asian frat. I made out with two Mexicans at the same time and I pulled a muscle in my leg from twerking too low. Diversity.
We left the bar and you kept yelling "ONWARD SCION, TO GLORY!!"
I tried to text you about going to the Lion's Den but sent it to my boss. She was down for it. Please advise.
Fast is cars. Home is I now. Drunk yoda me is.
He's going to be in the air guitar championships in june. Need I say more.
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
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