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He spelled "beautiful" wrong in his text
She was like a white Oprah, but with less conviction.
Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
I've spent too much of my life staring at my bberry and counting to 5 to see if it blinks
I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
Dude, you were so drunk last night that when we went into subway, you forgot the word for bread.
you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.
And it looks like I sent you 4 failed attempts at the word "hey." Sorry about that.
Oh god I may vomit into the teacup of debauchery.
Just went over my top ten highlight reel with that guy I'm fucking. It was like we were sports announcers. But about sex.
I woke up at 5am to tell him I wanted to take his dick on la Tour de France, I might need a nap later
Yeah, I got home from work at like 9:30, and he was passed out on the couch wearing only a tee shirt and The Jurassic Park theme on repeat.
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
The text I got from my boyfriend this morning: "babe, I'm not mad because I know you were drunk, but you kissed 3 guys last night and I wasn't one of them".
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