I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
Just did shots with my boss to warm up for our sales call to Childrens Hospital. I love startups.
just took my birth control pill with a shamrock shake. happy st. patrick's day
when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre
I honestly don't know what my boundaries are, but shitting on me is crossing them.
It's a line of coke at 10 a.m. kind of Saturday. Don't be a pussy about life.
Let me start this apology by saying I'm sorry that I bit your penis.
The fact that both my ribs are severely bruised from shoving flasks in my bra might be a validation of my mothers alcoholic accusation
couldn't find my pants so i stole a pair of shorts from the passed out kid in the corner.
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
He was my shower sex Sherpa last night. And we both made it safely up the mountain.
Please come over, I'm slowly melting into a ball of sexual frustration. If I'm not dead by the end of the day be very surprised.
i don't know if this is a cannibal joke or a sexual innuendo, and i think that's a beautiful description of our relationship.
If I don't get alcohol poisoning from tonight I don't think i ever will.
Randomize
