Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
i guess i had fun last thursday night because when i got on the drunk bus this thursday night everyone immediatley started chanting my name and telling me to do a bus flip
whats a bus flip?
idk but apparently i invented it
We went into lab today and when no one was looking i touched our cadaver's penis!
And it was confirmed to me that I did in fact cut my girlfriend out of her dress with my sword.
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
At what point during this road trip should I let them know I've been drinking in the backseat the whole time and can't take my turn driving?
Ok well I'll be up all night studying if you need a wake up call or a place to put your penis.
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
The ideal thing to do next party is to tape my boobs down so they don't knock over the pong cups while playing defense. They came back to hurt us this time
We ended up at a lesbian bar and all my co-workers tried to get me laid. This is not how I envisioned coming out.
HELP! How do I get paint off the dog?
80% sure the drag queens carried her home
I mean, it's just pathetic when the standard is tinder and he can't live up to it.
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
My theme for the night was drink diego drink! Unfortunately Dora was not there to navigate me to the bathroom
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