And I just threw up at the table during Mother's Day Brunch.
who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
So my prents justed posted "DO NOT DISTURB" on facebook and i just heard their door shut and lock...I'm leaving
Nothing like a $37 iTunes bill. Jesus Christ do you know how many $2 beer/shot specials that is??? The answer is 16. 16 beer/shot specials.
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
You fought the bouncer and lost, then challenged a hobo to a 40 chugging contest and lost. Sobriety is a good life choice.
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
I wish I cared about making my vagina as presentable as you do.
I threw a hotdog at the security guard and called the bartender "goodlooking for a 35 year old who was rode hard and put away wet"... I would have kicked me out too
You don't know how emotionally damaged I am from crashing into that park maintenance van. I'll never ride a bike because of it.
Would it be weird if I bought knee pads and shin guards to fuck in my car?
My vagina: 1 Male stubborness: 0
I would never blame a unicorn for anything.....how dare you
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
no fucks will be given and no pants will be worn
i'll bring the vodka
Randomize
