Plan B is the new Plan A
Either call me back or tell me you're in jail. For fucks sake. If this is a cop, just help out. national league.
I cartwheeled across every street... They tried to stop me but I bit anyone who came near me
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
I had him autograph the condom wrapper.
Just spent the equivalent of my life savings in the liquor store. This is going to be a good weekend
No she left bc the of pic I have of my mom in my bathroom. She thought it was my gf
Why the hell do you have a picture of YOUR MOM in your bathroom?!?!
And please let him know I don't normally go off on long rants about feminist theory. That was totally the vodka talking.
Worst drunk idea ever... Me "Cops are looking for two guys, one in a grey shirt one in a blue shirt" jelly "lets take out shirts off they'll never find us" of course I thought it was brilliant
Props to you. You took the bet seriously. Making out with her for an hour right after she spewed
There was a deer right in front of me when I came. Sex in the forest is awesome
Your boobs stole my birthday thunder!
The problem I'm having with looking for jobs while drunk is reading is really hard
Nothing makes me prouder to be liberal and socialist than the idea of desecrating the memory of Ronald Reagan
He shampooed and conditioned his pubes but can't manscape for shit.
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