guys i just found a dildo in the laundry room and its purple
whats a dildo? isnt that like a fancy piece of bread?
Now that the olympics are over we have no excuse for getting belligerently drunk for nationalism every night.
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
you shall refer to me as my indian name from now on...running with dumb cunts
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
I love her to death but its like you have to do 5 lines of coke to be on her level.
never underestimate the power of walking into a bar alone in uv cat makeup.. took home a seven foot man
i was really disappointed no one would drink beer from our cleavage last night except for us
Debating going to the grocery store with my vibrator still in, cause I can't stand the idea of it out. Lets do some risk/reward
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
Seriously. Are we going out tonight? If we're not, I'm going to put on sweatpants and do drugs.
Man, it's really obvious that I was either handcuffed or tied up last night. Either way, not something you'd want coworkers knowing.
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
Okay I’ll say it... THIS MOVIE FUCKS
That’s probably the first time I've heard Little Women described that way and I love it
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