Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
It's like the Sean Connery of vaginas. You don't mess with it.
Covered in glitter and dick. 2010 feels a lot like 2009.
Just saw a woman with a Pomeranian in her bra. Way to step up your game Seattle.
someone just laughed at me while i'm laying on the floor waiting for the bus. like they've never been hungover.
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
Don't make fun of the drunk girl eating bread out of her pockets. I've been that girl.
Given everything we have talked about, is it wrong to ask you to be faithful to me, despite still dating him?
Did a bunch of gravity bongs and am watched hours of Frozen Planet. There is nothing in the world I want more than to hug a polar bear.
the breathalyzer kept saying danger. we made our new slogan danger we need more shots
Wait, tell the rest at happy hour. I wanna be able to interrupt you with my loud cackles and stupid questions.
So i came so hard i almost passed out, where has this vibrator been all my life?
VIVE LA RESISTANCE
Oh god, what now?
We need to move to a different bar soon. When we're standing on the patio, and every guy around us has seen us naked...there's a problem
Randomize
